she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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