nut hugger
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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