I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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