My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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