I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
