I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
