brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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