i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
