I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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