a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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