My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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