I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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