you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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