hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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