i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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