Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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