I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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