fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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