Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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