i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
