I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
