Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
