So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
