Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Holy shit dude........stairs
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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