gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
