well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
