I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
