Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
