gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
