Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
