So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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