the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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