We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
