State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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