I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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