Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
