the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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