i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
