Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
