Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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