Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
