I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
