Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
