Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You made out with two different species that night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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