so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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