Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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