your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
