Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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