that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
