Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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